'Tis the season to say shit like, "'Tis the season!" The weather's getting colder, bars and retail store alike are playing Mariah Carey on loop, and every goddamn circuit party from New Orleans to New York to LA to Chicago to Seattle to Miami is posting "SEASON'S BREEDINGS!" on Instagram, pretending they all came up with it first. Fuck this bullshit, we're doing a sunglasses and speedos party. Come stumble around our low-lit dungeon and accidentally grab the sunscreen instead of the lube! Quench your thirst with fruity cocktails and fruity cock! Get flogged to the beat of a bunch of sun-soaked Katy Perry songs! Pretend your nipples aren't the hardest part of your body in this fucking weather! WEAR YOUR SEXIEST SWIMSUIT AND GET $1 OFF ENTRY (But wait, isn't it suggested donation? Couldn't you just pay $1 less anyway?) OKAY FINE, WE SUGGEST $1 OFF ENTRY IF YOU'RE WEARING A SWIMSUIT (Oh come on, that's fucking stupid. Give me a real incentive.) WHATEVER OKAY, FREE DRINKS IF YOU DRESS ACCORDING TO THE THEME (Drinks are already free.) HOLY SHIT JUST WEAR A GODDAMN SPEEDO OR SOMETHING, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST